


Perfect Universe

by cadkitten



Category: Dir en grey
Genre: Cumshot, Fluff, Frottage, Hand Jobs, M/M, POV First Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-07
Updated: 2012-06-07
Packaged: 2017-12-05 22:59:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,274
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/728866
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cadkitten/pseuds/cadkitten
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everyone always says you can get anyone you want when you're a rockstar like me. But the thing is... They're wrong because the kind of person you really want is the kind there for love, not for sex or because you're a rockstar god and they're infatuated. It's lonelier at the top than you'd think.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Perfect Universe

**Author's Note:**

> Beta Readers: gothic_hime  
> Song[s]: various by Dir en grey

Die’s POV

Everyone always says you can get anyone you want when you're a rockstar like me. But the thing is... They're wrong because the kind of person you really want is the kind there for love, not for sex or because you're a rockstar god and they're infatuated. It's lonelier at the top than you'd think.

Maybe that sounds morose, but try it on for a while and you’d find that eventually you’d tire of the meaningless sex, the petty exercises in pretending that something that can only happen for one night matters at all in the big perspective of life. Once you’ve hit thirty things sort of turn upside down and reality slams you in the face. Even looking at sex as an exercise in getting off ends up sort of repulsive with how many times you’ve done just that very thing in the past. You want it to hold some meaning, something further than just this…. nothing. But the sad, cold truth is… it’s almost impossible to tell who is there for what and why.

Sitting here now, on the verge of doing something well beyond stupid, I can see those moments in my past where I likely let something slip past me that I never should have, simply because of paranoia.

 

July 2003

Standing at a frozen yogurt cart outside one of my favorite shops, I met this girl. Beautiful in all respects, inside and out. She hit on me in an almost shameless sort of manner and I turned her down because of it, assuming she knew who I was and was doing it for the quota of having put me in her bed. When she walked off, her friends questioned her on me and I was still close enough to hear when she admitted she had no idea what my name was. My own fame went to my head and prevented me from seeing that maybe this one had no idea who I was or what I did for a living and just wanted me… for me.

December 2007

This one is vague, due to the nature of certain things I cannot discuss outright. But I was at a party… in a place… ha! And this older couple came to talk to me and a while later their younger daughter came over as well. There was no hint of recognition, but I guess back then I didn’t notice. The night went by and we kept talking, things going nicely. By the end of the night, she gave me her card, but I only returned the favor with my business card, not my personal one, a risk, I suppose. Too big of one, because I never heard from her again and my own mind clouded me out of contacting her instead.

 

That being said, now I’m sitting here contemplating the one thing I honestly thought I’d gotten over years ago and I think I’m actually about ready to finally give in on it. I guess I should start at the beginning with this one, at least in the overview sort of way. This… this is about me and Kyo. See… we’ve always been really close to one another. Sometimes I know it even shows through to the people that barely know the real us.

It’s just sort of been our thing. We get together and talk things over whenever something’s going bad in one - or both - of our lives. He pushes me back up that rocky slope that is my, at times, chronic depression and I, in turn, fish him out of his internal wasteland and set him back on his feet. There are times that I think we both legitimately feel that if we didn’t have one another, we wouldn’t even exist any longer. We just understand how the other works and together we can make a pretty damn good team.

Now… back when we first started as a band, if you’ll recall… we used to do some pretty er… interesting things on stage. And of course, it was never spur of the moment. We’d plan the really touchy-feely parts so no one freaked out. For whatever reason, when it came time for us to plan things, Kyo would always pretty much volunteer to be the one all over me. Usually someone would give some reason why it’d be better if certain members interacted, because management said it was what the fans wanted to see more of or whatever, overriding Kyo’s offers. But when it did happen, we’d end up having to ‘practice’ what would happen and he’d do it more times that was necessary… at least in my opinion.

I remember the one time he was to kiss me on stage. He must have practiced at least ten times, different ways of kissing me until he found the one he was comfortable with doing on stage. And let me tell you, by the time he was done with me my body was confused as to what the hell was going on. Because most of those never felt like he needed any practice at all. It felt like he was dipping his tongue in to taste my very essence and then retreating before he gave too much.

When it came time for that kiss on stage… he never did it. He just hugged me from behind and sort of fondled my chest and that was pretty much that. And maybe… maybe I was disappointed.

I spent many years dwelling on what all of it meant, why I’d been okay with it on a more basic level than just ‘this is my band mate and we have to do this’. I suppose you could say, Kyo opened me up to my first homosexual encounter of my life. When I went to seek out a warm body to fill my bed several months later, it wasn’t a girl I found. Rather, I found an attractive young man that was all over me in an instant, and I learned the nuances of a man’s body beneath my own that night.

Over the years, I’ve dabbled around, finding that I enjoy pretty much every aspect of what can be given to me by either gender, to the point I never go out looking for one or the other in particular. Always just… whoever meets my fancy. Well… until sex became meaningless without emotional attachment. These days have been bone-dry and my heart is starting to feel like something dusty that has been left in the closet for too long.

And that sort of brings me back here… to this moment. I have Kyo’s number brought up on my screen and I’ve been staring at it for a good ten minutes now, debating my own sanity level in this phone call just shortly before midnight. I’ve been upset for a good month or so now and I’ve been watching him sink back into his hole, though for some reason not doing a damn thing about it. Heartbreaking, really, that my own issues won’t let me go to him and pull him back up this go around. But the thing is… tonight, I’ve finally identified why I’ve been afraid of going to him about this.

I’ve finally realized that I haven’t let go of that infatuation he gave me so long ago with those kisses and faint touches… the volunteering to be the one to go after me, each and every time. He lodged something in me that made me forever want that forbidden taste. And… truth be told… I really do have incredibly deep feelings for him. He’s one of my closest friends, someone I trust more than anyone else on this planet… and I’m attracted to him. The only real issue is if this scares the shit out of him and I ruin it all with my stupidity by confessing.

But that’s been holding me back too long already. I can’t let it do that to me forever. No… not at all. Rather, I need to confront this head-on and beg every God listening to me that he doesn’t flip out.

My finger hits dial and I wince, bringing the phone up to my ear, breath sort of stuck in my throat. He answers on the second ring, unusual given the time of night, and doesn’t at all sound like he’s been asleep. “Die?” Obviously didn’t check his caller ID either.

“Yeah… it’s me. Sorry to call so late.”

“Don’t worry about it. I’ve… been awake.” He sounds almost sheepish, like he’s been doing something he shouldn’t have been.

“Mmm… well… I think… we need to see one another. I need to talk.” These fucking cheesy-ass words sound incredibly pathetic coming out of my lips.

There’s a rustle and then the distinct sound of laces through boots. “I’ll be over as soon as possible. And Die?”

“Yeah?”

“Have you been drinking?”

I stare at the half empty bottle of beer on the table. “Just half a beer… why?”

Dead silence for a moment and then a sigh. “Promise that’s all?”

“Yes.”

“Will you pour it out for me? Get some water? I… well… you’re not the only one who needs to talk and I’d prefer to do this one sober.”

I get up and grab the beer, walking to the kitchen and unceremoniously dump it upside down in the sink. “Done.”

“Thanks. See you in a few.” The line goes dead and I just push my phone back into my pocket, my mouth dry as I fill two glasses with ice and water, just a touch of lemon in his. Back to the living room to sit and wait.

Almost half an hour passes and some part of me regrets that I just gave up smoking like a week ago. I fidget around, rubbing my hands over my pants and then tapping nervously on the arm of the chair, my foot bouncing on the floor. When there’s finally a little knock on my door, I pretty much sprint for it, yanking it open without even checking first and step back to let him in.

He slips past me and into the room, kneeling to take off his boots. I close the door and lock it, leaning against it while I watch him, something I usually refuse to let myself do. But if this explodes in my face, I want at least some decent last memories to hold onto. He finally gets up and doesn’t bother with guest slippers, knowing I don’t care if he just wears socks through the house since I keep it meticulously clean and it won’t ruin his socks either.

I trail after him as he makes a beeline for the couch, sitting in his usual spot and I take up mine, gesturing to his water. “For you.”

He takes it and settles with his legs curled up on the couch, dark eyes on me, waiting.

It takes me most of the way through the glass of water before I can speak and when I do, I put the glass down with a solid thump before I start. “There really isn’t any better way to do this than to just tell you like it is. I know you hate it when people beat around the bush anyway, so I’ll just be up front with this.”

His glass goes on the table as well and he leans forward, giving me his undivided attention. Maybe it’s a bit disconcerting, having that gaze pinned so completely on me, but at least I’m used to it. It’s not nearly as uncomfortable as it once was, seeing his soul laid out and his heart open to allow me to affect him with my words. Because… well… Kyo never does anything half-assed.

“I’ve been… thinking for a long time on certain aspects of our relationship.” I watch him for any signs of discomfort, any signals I should abort this mission before it really starts. But he’s just got that open, caring gaze on me and that’s it. No apprehension, no fear or covered disgust. I take a deep breath and let half of it out before I start talking again. “I don’t know… it’s so hard being… us? Or maybe it’s just me, I don’t know. But I feel like I overlook the best things for myself constantly when I know well that I shouldn’t.”

“We all do that. It’s human nature.” Just a simple side comment, meant to keep me going, keep me off the tangent and back on track.

I swallow against my suddenly dry throat, nerves tingling throughout my body as I manage to continue looking at him, right in his eyes so he can know I’m not lying. “I…” my voice cracks a bit from the strain and I grab my water for a swig of it before going on, “I’ve been thinking for a while and I’ve realized something that could make me happy… or more… some _one_ who could make me happier.”

I’m not certain what it is I see in his eyes, but it’s not negative and it makes me only want to continue on with my confession. “We’ve been in one another’s lives for years and in all those years, it’s always you I come to when I need someone to understand, someone to be there for me. And I know it’s the same for you with me. We work well for one another, keep each other steady.” He’s shifted ever so slightly closer to me while I’ve been talking, doing it slowly enough so as to not disturb my words or my thought processes, but enough for me to notice at least.

“Go on.”

I close my eyes for a moment, unable to actually keep staring into those depths when I say this part. It’s a confession I haven’t even fully admitted to myself and I don’t want to see the disdain if it comes to fruition in his eyes. “I’m attracted to you… I have been for years. And it’s not just some stupid ‘you’re the only guy I’ve ever looked at’ sort of thing either. Honestly… you made me realize my own sexuality years ago and I’ve been happier for it… but I keep coming back, over and over… to you.” Wincing slightly, I have to take a peek at him, to see how he’s taking this.

When my eyes open, he’s sitting right next to me, still facing me, one knee on the couch and his eyes holding something that was maybe slight shock, but mostly curiosity. For almost a minute, neither of us say anything until I can’t stand it anymore. “God damn it, Kyo… say something.” There’s a desperate pitch to my voice that I don’t like at all.

He reaches out one hand and gently takes a lock of my shoulder-length hair, tucking it behind my ear before his hand in on my jawline, gently caressing. “You already make me happy. It’s always you to catch me when I’m falling, to say the right thing at the right time.” He gives a little laugh, something so precious and rare from him these days. “I was falling again… faster than usual… and this…” he shakes his head before making certain to catch my gaze again, “this is exactly what I needed to be hearing right now.”

Relief floods my body. At least he’s not mad at me, that’s a wonderful feeling right there. I take a chance and reach to put my hand on his knee, seeing if he’ll jerk away or if he’s actually let the meaning of my words sink in and is okay with it. He doesn’t pull away, just staying where he’s at and watching me. I lean in, wanting so badly to taste those lips one more time and not feeling it appropriate to announce it before I do it. But before I can even get halfway, he’s moved again. This time, he’s hovering over me, one thigh on each side of my own, his hands on my face, tilting it up as he stares down at me. For that moment, I’m frozen, unable to move or even think, my heart slamming in my chest as if desperate to get out.

His lips curve into a delicious little smirk before he leans down and claims my mouth as his own. The instant those lips touch my own, I can’t help anything I do any longer. My hips buck up, my arms wrap around his body and tug him down, and the most ridiculous of moans leaves my throat as he pushes his tongue against my mouth for entrance. I give it to him and we taste one another in the most erotic of ways. By the time he’s done with me, pulling back to catch much-needed breath, I’m wound up tighter than a spring, my dick aching in my pants and my heart bursting with emotion.

“I hope you haven’t been sitting on this revelation too long… because I’d hate to think we’ve both been torturing ourselves for all these years.”

My breath catches and I give him probably the most confused look he’s ever gotten before. Finally I manage to spit out, “How long?”

He just shakes his head, his hands moving to gently thread through my hair, his butt settling in my lap. His gaze drops to our laps and he huffs out another laugh. “I see.”

My face heats up a little. “Sorry… it’s… been a while.”

“So I can tell.” He pushes down a little and I have a hard time keeping in my cry of pleasure. Some little strangled sound gets out and my hips buck up of their own accord. “Tell me, Die… do you fantasize about me?”

Not quite the question I was expecting, but I let it go, answering as best I can with most of my blood elsewhere from my brain. “Yeah… shamelessly a few times.”

“And if you could have one thing, right now, of those fantasies, what would it be?” He takes one of my hands and moves it down his front, trailing it over his toned abdomen and then lower, pushing my hand against his sex. He’s as hard as I am and the moment I make contact, a look of bliss paints his face, his head tilting back ever so slightly.

I answer with nothing but gut instinct, knowing I don’t want all of this at once, I want it in pieces so I can drag out the newness for as long as possible. “Just touch me.”

He huffs out the littlest laugh and shakes his head. “Really? That’s it? Your big fantasy is me touching you?” The look on his face is nothing short of amused, a little smirk curving his lips and a light in his eyes I haven’t seen in a long time. “Everything in this world you could have, and you choose… my touch?”

I flush a little bit and shrug. “Maybe I don’t want to get to the biggest part first. I want it all to last… to be new.”

He holds up a finger and then gives a nod. “Makes perfect sense. Ration yourself and see where things go. Ask for the smallest thing first.” He shifts a little, hips intentionally rotating against my own. His body moves almost constantly, not waiting between actions, just making one fluid action of the whole thing, sinking closer to me, arms wrapping around my torso and pulling me closer, lips encouraging me forward.

My own hands move to explore, fingers gliding over skin I never thought I’d get to touch like this, tracing patterns on unmarked skin, and then finally I grasp two delicious handfuls of his ass, squeezing until he groans. My mind allows me to think of how it’d be to sink into that warm, waiting flesh, of how tight he’d be for me, and how fast I’d fill him with my release.

I’m so lost in my own world that I don’t even notice what he’s doing until his fingers curl against the bare flesh of my dick, slowly starting to stroke. My hips jerk and a sharp cry issues from my throat. His fingers don’t miss a beat, moving to my own natural rhythm, his eyes watching me with an unwavering sort of fascination. My fingers go back to kneading lightly at his ass, content to feel that incredible hunk of muscle beneath the pads of my fingers finally. I’ve always had a thing for his ass, watching him bend over, seeing him move in just the right ways… call it an addiction, because it’d be accurate.

He chuckles faintly against my neck and I grunt in response, tearing my attention to the present. “Hnng?”

“Mmm… I get the feeling one of your fantasies is fucking me into the nearest surface. Am I right?”

My cheeks actually flush a little, mostly because that’s likely the most recent indulgence I’ve had in fantasy land regarding Kyo. “Er…”

“I’ll take that as a yes.” He shifts a little on my lap again, fingers squeezing my dick harshly for a moment. “Show me what you’ve got, Die.” It’s pretty obviously his way of pleading with me to actually go further than this.

I move enough to get him under me on the sofa, fingers pulling his pants down and revealing his body to me. He pulls off his top, tossing it aside and within moments, I have Kyo bared to me completely. “Fuck,” I manage to spit out, staring down at him and wanting nothing more than to drive into him until he screams my name. But no… no such indulgence yet. I can’t let it all culminate too quickly.

He spreads his legs for me to get a complete view, showing me the world. One lazy hand trails down his belly, fingertips reaching to rub lightly at the thatch of pubic hair around the base of his cock.

“God, you’re gorgeous.”

He smirks up at me. “As are you. Now stop talking and start… doing something.”

I have to laugh, shaking my head a little and leaning down over him to start kissing lightly at his lips, my tongue trailing over places where piercings used to be, tasting something distinctly him along the way. His fingers come to undo the buttons on my shirt, peeling it away from me, and then working the same magic on every last stitch of my clothing.

When we finally come together, there’s nothing between us at all, just the feeling of skin on skin, lean masculine muscle against hard, trained body. My nipples are hard, aching with the tension between us, and when he catches one in his mouth, it’s all I can do not to just have at him with complete abandon. My fingers scrape down his sides, his hips push toward mine, our sexes brush harshly against one another. It’s an ancient dance, done to a new rhythm, both of us keeping sync with one another in our own ways.

Eventually, his legs wrap around my waist, his body canting slightly up for me to rub against him in all the right ways. And I do it without thinking on it, rutting blindly against him as my hands claim every inch of skin as their own. His hands cling to my biceps, holding there until it seems like he’s going to leave perfectly finger-shaped bruises. When he does let go, it’s to run his palms over my chest and then down to grasp his own cock, stroking it harshly a few times before letting go.

His body flops back against the couch, a loud groan bubbling up from him as he arches his back, dick jutting out toward me, making a picture-perfect sight. His balls are tight up against him, ruddy in color, and I know he’s close just from watching. Right then, he’s the most erotic thing on the planet, and I can’t help but push my cock up beside his, watching as my damp tip presses lightly at the underside of his.

That’s all it takes. In the next instant, he’s letting out the most glorious of noises, his body tense and shaking beneath my own. Thick spurts of cum jet from the tip of his dick, some landing on me and some on him. He looks like perfect debauchery and I know that image will be with me forever, the first time I made Kyo cum.

I allow a few seconds to pass before I pull him to myself, crushing his body against my own and rut at him desperately, all of my control gone. His cum makes for the perfect lube, the slick sound of my cock against him filling the room for a few long moments as I work to my own end. When it comes crashing down on me, I cry out his name, unashamed of who I’m doing this with. And even as my cum joins his own between us, I know something new is happening with us, something that will change everything and nothing at all, right at the same time.

We lay there together for a few blissful moments, in complete silence, just holding on. When he finally speaks up, it’s a quiet little chuckle, followed by the most simple words on the planet. “We’re a couple of fools. Could have done this years ago.”

And somehow… it just makes that moment perfect. Knowing it could have been, that it wasn’t ever out of reach. I am his and he is mine. Nothing in the world can change that.

 

**The End**  



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